This top-secret list of impending calamities was reportedly compiled by the CEOs of the Big Three Auto Makers in an effort to secure a $25 Billion bail-out from Congress.
9. The Earth will spin out of orbit, exacerbating global warming and turning the planet into a giant George Foreman Grill, slow-roasting its populace until dead, albeit delicious and heart-friendly.
8. People will start sincerely responding to Dennis Kucinich’s proposals with, “You know what, that’s a great idea!”
7. Baseball will extend its schedule to 300 games, and increases the games to nineteen innings. But on the positive side, the price of a beer at the ballpark will drop precipitously to $13.
6. Britney Spears stays sober, celibate, and leads a responsible life with her children, bankrupting all existing gossip magazines.
5. The discrepancy between the number of hot dog rolls and hot dogs per package will widen, with manufacturers opting to deliver their products in fractions, further befuddling consumers.
4. Cell phone companies will only offer two ring tones: Susan Estrich birthing a cape buffalo, and Barney Frank learning he has been forbidden from watching gladiator movies.
3. Every Friday and Saturday night will be declared “National Mother-In-Law Day” with government-mandated celebrations.
2. A remake of Waterworld as a musical starring Rosie O’Donnell and Harvey Fierstein.
1. Chuck Norris will wax his chest, tattoo it with a picture of Bea Arthur circa The Golden Girls, and for the rest of his life, only make topless infomercials where he sings the theme from Cats.